omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
