she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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