This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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