I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
