You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
