i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
