I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
