Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
