I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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