we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
