sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Found your dick twin last night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize