So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize