Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
