True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
