"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
