I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
