dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
