wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
