Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
they need to just BURY HIM!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize