I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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