its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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