did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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