I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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