he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize