i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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