Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
