THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she told me i tasted like america
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
