its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
