I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
These tits shall not be calmed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
