Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
