woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
