ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
