I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
