Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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