Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
