You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
