I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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