i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
