I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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