If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I will pee on everything he values.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
