I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
