please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
