Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
