I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
