I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
