You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
