is your mom at the bar?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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