You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
