my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
