Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
