turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize