I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
