I need to stop coming to work sober
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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