So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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