i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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