If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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