I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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