Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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