I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
